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My Relationship with God

Sunday 18 February 2018

One of my earliest memories as a little kid was remembering hat the kindergarten teacher had told me earlier that week on Sunday. She said that God is watching you. No matter what you do.Wherever you are.You can not hide from him.
I wanted to test that theory so I hid under the covers of my aunties bed in hope that God couldn't see me. I don't know how that was supposed to test if God could see me as there as no way of my communicating with him but I was about 4-5 years old, I had not thought it through.

The thing was, I took it as a threat at that age. As I grew older, the saying had become more of a comforting thought. Especially at night. My mind somehow created monsters from awkward shapes and shadows in the dark. Despite me sharing a bedroom with my siblings, I felt like it was me vs the monsters who will surely steal me from my family never to be seen again. That was until I remember that God is watching everyone at any time. That thought and the probably 10th glow in the dark rosary my parents bought me (I kept loosing and breaking them), is what made me feel relatively safe at night.

Then I moved to a different country where their attitudes and views on God were very different to Uganda. So I abandoned almost all my beliefs in God. Even before we learnt about Charles Darwin. I started to question how and an all-knowing being let terrible things happen and how he cares for everyone, even sinners like murderers and rapists and my high school bullies. If God truly cared then he wouldn't let this thing happen.





I still went to church mainly because it was expected of me to go until I was sixteen. That was when I got to decide whether I wanted to go. I just stopped going altogether apart from special occasions and for my confirmation.

Then I went through a couple of tough things in my life and I honestly felt like I wasn't going anywhere. Out of nowhere, I seem to have got a second chance. And I really was not expecting that.
So my thoughts on the existence of God shifted again because I honestly don't know how else it happened.
When I look back in my life, and how lucky I am, my belief in God strengthens. But when it comes to actually practising my religion; going to mass, studying the Bible and praying regularly that's when my devotion to my faith wavers. I don't even wear my rosary anymore.

I think that I am scared to believe something that I have no physical proof for, outside my mind. The only 'proof 'is the Bible.
The Bible says God is real.
 But the Bible was also written by humans.
 And those humans at that point it time put in a lot of sexist and homophobic shi- sugar in there and said that 'God said this and that' and so we must follow these set of rules or hellfire for the rest of your existence.

 But I also don't like the idea that there is no God.
That there is no superior being who is looking out for all of us.
 That everything that happens to us is by chance and there's no rhyme or reason.
That what we do counts for nothing, there is no hell, no heaven and I won't reunite with people I love the most.
That when my heart stops beating, that's it.
I'm gone. I cease to exist.
Everything that I have done on earth is pointless and amounts to nothing.


How you choose to practice your spirituality is very personal. At the end of the day, it all doesn't matter. What matters is your time on earth and how you choose to spend it. Even if there isn't an afterlife or reward. We should all strive to be the best version of ourselves.
Love Rose
xxx
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